You'll probably notice that the first three paragraphs below are very closely related, but they do each have their own specific importance.
"Our baby will only sleep in our room for maybe the first six months, and then he'll be in his own room." It's been almost two years, and he's still in our room, only a foot or so away. I can hear him breathing, respond quicker to his needs, and rest better knowing that he's as safe as he can possibly be. Especially, for the first year of life, the risk of SIDS is the highest. Besides humans, what other mammal puts their children to sleep in a different place? I had never thought about it that way, but it makes complete sense to me now. The benefits of co sleeping are not well known, and most people don't understand that it can be done very safely. I had at least one person think that I was crazy, she said something like "it's so dangerous, I can't believe you're doing that." She clearly didn't know what I knew. Sure, our bedroom is quite strange looking, and we've made a lot of adaptions to accommodate all three of us. There are times that I feel like I just want things back to how they were before. But our life is forever changed, and we wouldn't have it any other way. He will eventually want his own space, and by then he'll be old enough to handle it both emotionally and physically.
"Babies just sometimes need to cry themselves to sleep, and it's no big deal (i.e cry it out, or CIO)." Well, no, not really. I learned that when babies cry, they *need* help from their parents to soothe them - as they can't do it by themselves. Leaving babies to cry for long periods of time is actually very stressful to the baby, and can cause real physical damage to them. I don't understand why the cry it out method is so commonly thought to be the norm, and why so many people recommend it. Well, I guess I kinda do know why. Many new moms and dads are usually so exhausted that they don't know what else to do to get their baby to sleep, so they ask their parents or other trusted individuals, who many times tell them they have to let their baby CIO. There isn't a lot of support for the non-cry-it-outers, and many don't know anything different. I just don't think I ever really thought about it all until I had my son. Crying babies affect me much more differently now that I'm a mom. If you're unfamiliar with CIO, and are wondering "If crying it out is so bad, why does it usually work?" I discovered that there is actually science behind why it's so bad. Long periods of crying raise a baby's cortisol levels very high, which can cause physical damage. And the fact that "it works" is not exactly a good thing. Eventually, the baby stops crying out of sheer exhaustion and will not cry more because he does not get what he needs (usually comfort, if all other things have been ruled out) from his communicating (crying.) Babies trust their parents to be there for them all the time, and don't know any different when it's bedtime. We all know babies can't say things like "I'm hot" or "I'm scared" or even "I'm lonely" like older children or adults can. And we know how good it feels to be touched or hugged by someone we love - it is so comforting, and it can actually make us feel better, physically. Letting my son cry it out was just not an option. My heart nearly broke when I tried to do it, and that was only for about 10 minutes! Even when I was so exhausted, and just wanted him to "go to sleep already!!" - I did not know this information yet, but I just knew somehow that it wasn't good for him. It felt completely unnatural. Mother's intuition is so very powerful. When I read about how the cortisol works, it completely blew my mind - and yet, perhaps that is why I just *knew* that the right thing to do was pick him up. I now know that he's not being spoiled by being held or being near his mom when he cries. He is just simply too young to make himself feel better.
And then also "Babies learn to sleep through the night with proper sleep training." This goes hand in hand with the cry it out theory I mentioned above. After trying many different ways to try to get him to sleep better, and reading a lot about it, we figured out that he just wanted to be near us, and that we didn't need to force a strict sleep schedule. It took some time, but we figured out our *rough* nightly routine, and he finally started sleeping for longer stretches. "Through the night" for babies is actually about 4-6 hours at a time. Keeping him near me so that he could easily nurse a few times at night actually kept him from fully waking up, and we both slept a lot better - eventually, for a total of about 10-11 hours on average per night. We've just had to be flexible, and adjust the routine as needed. Being a planner by nature, this has been difficult for me. I do worry that he isn't getting adequate sleep - even though he is doing great. He has just recently started sleeping ALL through the night without any nursing. If you ask other parents, I bet almost all of them will say that their children often wake up scared at night, not wanting to be alone, and end up in their parents bed. It's very common and completely normal for children to need their parents' comfort and reassurance. Why would babies/toddlers be any different? I could go on and on about this, but I won't - not this time! I think three paragraphs is more than enough :) I've put some resources at the bottom for anyone who wants to read more on this.
"Doctors always know what is best for babies, and parents should do whatever they tell them." Ok, yes, doctors are usually very smart and are well educated, but they aren't perfect. No one is. And no matter how great the doctor is, I think almost everyone can agree that they don't care nearly as much about a child as his/her own parents do. In my opinion, a great doctor discusses a child's health with his parents, and looks for ways to keep him healthy by eating well and preventing illnesses, and not just by treating his symptoms with medications. In my own past experience, it just doesn't seem to be a common practice to discuss nutrition and healthy living at the doctor's office. I mean no disrespect to the well-deserving doctors out there - I do think that their hard work and dedication is impressive, and they doing their best to help others. Especially the doctors in emergency medicine, they are literally saving lives every second. Just recently, I've learned about the benefits of chiropractic care, in addition to following other essential ways to live well without any medical interventions. This was the first time I went to a doctor who gave me non-medicated tools to improve my health. I'm not generalizing or stereotyping doctors, saying they are all the same. I am just saying that doctors don't know everything, they are people just like me. And sometimes moms and dads know what works best for their own babies. Parents shouldn't be afraid to ask their child's doctor intelligent questions and do some good research on their own before making important health decisions for their child. A trusted doctor's advice should be well considered, but is not always the right solution for every child. The parents and the child are the ones who have to live with any consequences that may arise from these decisions, not the doctors.
"Taking care of a newborn will be tiring, but I'll be fine." Ha ha, no. The first two months of my son's life were the hardest months of my life. Besides getting very little sleep (my son was initially a catnapper, 24/7), my thyroid was way out of whack, and I'm pretty sure I was having the baby blues. Then shortly after those first two months, as you already know from my previous posts, my parents died within six weeks of each other. Talk about stressful. Most of those first few months of his life are a blur. I wish I had done a ton of things differently, but I don't know if any first-time parent can ever prepare adequately. Things never go as planned, and every baby is different. The one big thing I do wonder about is if I had stayed near my family, would it have been easier? My parents were in no shape to help me, they could barely take care of themselves. Would it have made that much of a difference if I had been closer to my family? I don't know. From what I've seen from other moms, I think that being a mom can feel lonely and exhausting, no matter what the circumstances are. Especially for a first-time mom.
"I'll do my best to breastfeed for just the first year, but we'll see how it goes. We can just use formula if it doesn't work out." Breastfeeding was also very difficult for me to master, especially since my thyroid wasn't working properly. I didn't feel like I was doing it right. I had eventually realized that breastmilk is not only the best nutrition for my son, as well as a great way for us to bond/he be comforted - but it is very important for him in building up his immune system. Critically important. And not to mention that the commercialized formula is no where near as nutritious as breastmilk, and most of them have a lot of bad stuff in them. (I did have to supplement, but we made the formula fresh from scratch.) It's recommended that toddlers are breastfed until at least two years old (and some say older). I hate to admit that I am really growing tired if it, but I'm not at the point where I'm ready to force him to stop. It's only about twice a day now, so it's not that big of a deal. Especially since I work outside the home, it feels like a good way to reconnect with him. I do discourage it sometimes, when I just need to be left alone. I'm hopeful that he'll just stop on his own soon, when he's ready.
The last one is probably the most surprising one to me. Before I got pregnant, I never once thought about circumcision being anything other than the normal thing that happens to boys. I didn't know much about it, really, other than it being a common (especially Jewish) tradition. But I thought it was important that I at least find out what it is done for, so I know why and how it would be done to our son, if our baby was in fact a boy. Wow, was it an eye opener. When I started reading about it, I came to find out that circumcision is actually becoming less common, and there usually is no medical reason to do it. It is not any cleaner or safer, and can actually sometimes be quite dangerous and even deadly. I couldn't believe that this wasn't well known! When I asked my husband about it, he was initially very put off and said that we needed to do it. I explained to him what I had read, and even though he was clearly upset about even the thought of not circumcising, we decided to talk to our prospective (at the time) pediatrician about it. The doctor confirmed what I had learned was true, and that was all it took to push my husband to learn more, and ultimately agree that we would not circumcise if we had a son.
It's amazing to me how much I thought I knew, when I really had no idea. I'm just glad that I was smart enough to realize that when something didn't feel right, I needed to look into it instead of just blindly following what I had been told, or what was thought to be the norm. I also do realize that as time goes on, we learn new things that we didn't even think twice about before. I know my parents probably didn't think about any of these things, and probably had different challenges back then. I'd like to believe that parents do what they think is best for their child, and they aren't being selfish and doing what only suits themselves - at least most of them, anyways. Heck, my mom smoked the entire time she was pregnant with me because she didn't know any better. And I'm pretty sure she didn't breastfeed me, either - but I'm not 100% sure, and don't know why, if she didn't. Hopefully I am not making that kind of mistake with my son - definitely not deliberately, of course. I don't judge anyone who makes an informed decision to do what is best for their own children. I'm no expert on anything, but I do believe that all parents should be open to at least looking at new things, and not being afraid to learn more about the things they don't know much about - for the sake of their children. Besides helping myself to get these things out of my head, I truly hope something I've said helps someone else get through a tough spot or that it's ok to question "the norm." I know I wish I had heard more about these things before I had my son.
Here are some useful places to read more about why I changed my mind:
No-Cry Sleep
www.elizabethpantley.com
Crying and Stress
http://evolutionaryparenting.com/its-just-a-little-cortisol-why-rises-in-cortisol-matter-to-infant-development/
http://books.google.com/books/about/Science_of_Parenting.html?id=52KL4KsfcfEC
Co-Sleeping
www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes
Chiropractic Care and the 5 Essentials
www.maximizedliving.com
Breastfeeding
www.llli.org/nb/nbiss3-09p28.html
Circumcision
www.drmomma.org/2010/11/50-reasons-to-leave-it-alone.html
Support and Motherly Advice
motherwiselife.org
evolutionary parenting.com
longestshortesttime.com
All three are on Facebook, as well
No comments:
Post a Comment