Coming Home & the First Few Months

The first few days at home were a blur. I still was pretty sore, and had not had much sleep. I was so worried that the baby would sleep too long (he needed to eat every 3 hours, at minimum, according to everything I'd read and been told by the professionals), that I set the alarm on my phone for every 3 hours. I had a notebook by the bed that I wrote down when he ate, which "side" he ate on last, and if he peed or pooped. Talk about obsessed! I think most first time moms are this way, to some extent. You're not completely sure what's "normal," as everything is so new - and definitely not the same as babysitting.

This was MY child. I wanted to do everything "perfectly" for him. I thought that I would have no major problems, as I've always loved babies, been very comfortable around them, and had babysat countless hours over my pre-teen/teen years. So why did I feel like I was struggling so much? Why was this so different? Was it from the surgery? Were my hormones out of whack? Was it just from being exhausted? Probably all of the above. 

I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, but because my thyroid was messed up, my milk production wasn't high enough. At least that's what I thought.  I didn't know it at the time, but you really can't judge how much you're producing by how much you pump. We found a great homemade raw goat milk formula. It was as close to breast milk as you can get, and didn't have any of the junk that even the organic canned formula has. I wasn't happy to be supplementing, at all, but eventually I got over it - and to this day, I'm still breastfeeding, pumping and supplementing.  My husband is now an expert formula maker!

He had reflux (most babies do, I guess - that's why they spit up) so he wanted to eat more to ease the reflux discomfort. Not really knowing how much he should have at each feeding, I fed him as best that I could. When newborns cry, they're either hungry or wet, right?  He would guzzle the bottles down so fast, so I tried pacing him - but it only upset him more. One night when I just couldn't seem to fix whatever was bothering him, I actually gave him a total of 12 ounces in a short time span. Yeah, he threw most of it up on me. Lesson learned. We figured it out, eventually.

It's really hard when your baby cries and you can't seem to comfort him. I felt like I was stupid or something. One night, my husband got so frustrated by his crying (and lack of sleep, I'm sure) that he slept in the spare room. I closed our bedroom door, cried along with our inconsolable baby, and just held him close until he finally stopped crying and fell asleep in my arms.  It was heartbreaking. 

He wasn't a great sleeper. He mostly took 30-45 minute naps. But once in a while, he'd sleep so long (pushing 4-5 hours) that we'd have to wake him up; but we stopped doing that after the first month or so. If he was sleeping, shut the hell up and let him sleep. Not just for our sanity, but I knew he needed the rest to grow. My phone has been on vibrate ever since.  He could sleep through fireworks, but sometimes a soft creak in the floor would wake him up.

I never thought that having a baby would've affected me the way it did. Whether it was post-partum depression, stress (we had a lot of other stuff going on that I haven't even touched on), my thyroid problem or exhaustion, I don't know for sure.  It didn't help that I was also worried about having to go back to work, and leave him at home with his dad. I cried just about every day. For no real reason. I worried constantly. I felt like I was going a little crazy. I knew my husband was stressed too, so a few nights I took the baby and slept in the baby's room, just to give him a break. One of us ought to get one, and since I was breastfeeding, it wasn't really an option for me.  Sometimes nursing was the only thing that calmed him down.  It was challenging, being together all three of us all the time. My husband and I were used to being apart for a week or two when he was working, so this was quite a change for us. I was glad that we were all together, but I needed to get out of the house more than he did. So I would take the baby for walks before it got too hot outside, or go to the mall or Target. But the baby really didn't like the car seat, so I had to time it right to avoid a crying fest in the car. It took some finessing. But I definitely felt better when I got out of the house with the baby. I felt more normal, and human - not as much like a machine.

I think the biggest thing that I learned over those first few months was that nothing is really standard or normal - each baby is different, and all three of us had to adapt to our new life, learning about each other along the way.  We didn't really have anyone to help us, so it was a challenge, especially when you're sleep deprived.  I give a lot more credit to single parents now than I did before. I can't begin to imagine how hard that would be. Especially if you have a high-need baby or if you're using gentle parenting techniques. It takes a lot of patience.  But that's something you have to learn by doing, not something you really can prepare for. I saw an article on one of the Facebook pages that I follow - it said something like "having a child isn't like managing an inconvenience." I really took that to heart. We decided to have a child, and we want to be as involved in raising him ourselves as much as possible. It's a huge responsibility, and I think some people don't understand that fully.  Children are a priority - you're shaping the life of a human being. You just have to let other stuff go.

Those first few months were definitely the hardest, so far. But I learned SO much.  I wish I had learned more before he was born, but who knows how much I would have really absorbed. You tend to learn better and faster when you're in the middle of it, I think. I must say, though, that I'm glad those first few months are over!